Here it is again. Yet another month of disappointment when it comes to the journey of trying for our “child of promise.” I try not to let it get the best of me. I try not to be bothered. I try not to get down about and get all negative. But somehow no matter how hard I try, I can’t help but feel defeated again. Every month of dream not coming true is another month of feeling knocked down. I know God has wonderful plans for me. I know He loves me and cares for me like no one else could ever possibly do. I know that He only wants the best for me, and that He doesn’t wish any harm upon me. Yes, I get all that. It’s not that I don’t know that or realize that. It’s not that I need to be reminded of His great love for me. It’s just the reality of human nature. No, I’m not copping out. I am not making excuses. I am just being real with you. I am being honest. God knows how I feel. He knows my hurts. He knows my desires. He knows everything about me. And yet, He still loves me despite myself. So, I think it’s ok for me to be honest about this.
This is one of the most difficult roads I have traveled. It is a personal road that I never expected to walk. I never thought that I would ever have to face the reality that fertility would not be an easy route for me. I mean I did get pregnant before. I have a beautiful full of life daughter to prove that. So, no infertility is not something that I thought would ever be part of my journey. But yet it is. Yet I find myself walking this road that I thought only happened to other people. Not me. Selfish thinking? Maybe. But it is the truth. Infertility isn’t suppose to be something that happens to people who have already conceived before. But oh, it does. It happens more than we realize. It’s not that I am not thankful for my precious daughter. It’s not that I don’t love her any less. It isn’t about thinking that she isn’t enough for me. I have a deep desire to be a mother again. I want to have a child with my husband. I want to share that bond with him, I want to share in the joy of pregnancy and birth with him. I want to feel a small miracle growing within my womb, and experience the joy of hearing his/her heartbeat. And the joy of feeling being kicked at all hours of the day and night by my precious gift. Once you have this desire, it doesn’t just go away. It’s not like wanting a new car or a new purse, or those new shoes. It is much deeper. And the deeper the desire, the harder it is to shake it.
Yes, I still pray and hope and believe for our child of promise. Yes, I still have faith. Yes, I still believe that God can do what seems impossible. But if I am going to be honest with God, myself, and you I have to admit that this road is difficult. I have to admit that sometimes I want to scream and yell, “I don’t want this road!” I have to be willing to fall flat on my face at the feet of Jesus and tell Him that I don’t understand. Tell Him that I am hurting. And then just let Him hold me as I do nothing but cry from the depths of my soul. I have to be willing to trust to Him, even when I find it hard to do so.
Lord, I will continue to look to you & your strength. I will continue to seek your face. (Psalm 105:4 for reference).