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Archive for the category “Attitude”

One of Those Days


Today is one of those days where I would love to hide away on a deserted island with absolutely nothing “baby” around. Yes, it’s another month where Aunt Flow arrives instead of a “Big Fat Positive.” I was really hoping for a Thanksgiving announcement, but that just won’t be happening. I really have no eloquent words or thought provoking paragraphs to write down. All I have is raw emotion and an admittance of wanting to pitch a temper tantrum that would make a two year old in the midst of “the terrible two’s” look pretty angelic. Will it solve anything? No. Will it make me feel better? Probably not. But that’s where I’m at. For the moment.

I am trying to remind myself of the message I preached this past Sunday. I spoke on the story of Hannah and how there is grace in the struggle, in the sorrow, and in His sovereignty. To be honest, though it’s hard to see it at the moment. Do I know it to be true? Yes. But can I see it right now? No. All I can think on is how I desire to have a child with my husband and nothing is happening. Nothing. And my mind begins to go into panic mode thinking of how I am about to be surrounded by pregnant family members during the holidays, and I want to scream. Can I eat my dinner in a closet somewhere? Oh, and let’s not forget that the media had to share that Kelly Clarkson is pregnant.

Yes, I know that I sound like a little kid pitching a fit. But this is real. This is something I never thought I would have to deal with personally. This is one of the most draining and difficult things I have ever dealt with, and well as I put it earlier today, it sucks. As I type this I want to breakdown. The depths of my soul cry out for Jesus because I don’t know what to do. He is the only place that makes sense even though I feel like He isn’t making any sense. I know deep down that He makes perfect sense despite my feelings. So into Him I will continue to press.

http://youtu.be/JmVxRl5bc4Y

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Stamp of Approval


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We all want a “stamp of approval” on our lives. I mean nobody likes to be told that how they behave, how they parent, how they treat others, how they live their lives, and anything else that involves their decisions is well, let’s just say not up to par. I will admit that I don’t like being told that some of my decisions and choices aren’t always the best, and sometimes I have issues with authority (oops, how did that skeleton get out the closet). But lately, I have felt God making me more aware of that fact that not everything people do in their lives has His official stamp of approval. Oh, we like to put it there though don’t we?

How many times have we done something, said something, or behaved a certain way and thrown God’s stamp of approval on it knowing good and well He was probably shaking His head at us the entire time. I mean, come on. 

I have noticed a lot of “stamps of approval” lately that have been placed by human hands, not God’s. It upsets me, and it breaks my heart. Since when did we become so blind to the fact that if it isn’t in line with God’s Word then it does NOT get His stamp of approval? 

You can’t live with your significant other and have sex outside of marriage, and turn around and proclaim that God is in control of your life. No. God’s Word is very specific when talking about sex outside of marriage. Scripture tells to even flee from the very hint of sexual immorality. Shacking up with your significant other before marriage falls into this category. So, I am sorry, but God’s stamp of approval does not get placed on this. 

You can’t cuss and drink like a sailor, and then turn around and sing God’s praises. “From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this ought not to be so.” (James 3:10) “Do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery;” (Ephesians 5:18) God’s stamp of approval doesn’t get on this either. 

Divorcing your spouse because you “fell out of love,” or for any other reason other than abuse, adultery, or abandonment, and then saying that God is opening up a new door for you. No, God’s stamp of approval doesn’t get on this either. “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Mark 10:9)
I realize none of this is like swallowing sugar….more like salt. It’s not easy for me to type this. I am more of a warm and fuzzy kind of gal, with a side (ok, maybe an extra side) of sassiness. But it really breaks my heart that God’s name seems to be placed just about everywhere now. We like to think that if we include His name then everything will be ok. 

Look, I am a divorcee. I went through a divorce, and I know the pain that it brings. It’s not easy. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I won’t go into details of that chapter of my life (that’s another post), but I will share that it was a hard struggle for me. And I also know that divorce was never in God’s plan. Ever. God is not an advocate of divorce. Just like he’s not an advocate for shacking up, cursing, drunkenness, wrong behavior, nasty attitudes, lying, cheating, stealing, and the likes. 

Oh there is grace. His sweet wonderful grace. And we can have it at no cost to us, well let me take that back. His grace is freely given to us, but we do have to lay down our pride, self-centeredness, and our ego. We can make poor life choices and be forgiven. God doesn’t turn His back on us when we make decisions that don’t line up with His Word, but that doesn’t mean He approves of them either. So, maybe instead of putting His stamp of approval on it, we should strive to make better choices and seek His way. Maybe instead of looking at our poor choices and thinking to ourselves that God orchestrated the chain of events (you know, so we can feel better about ourselves), we should ask Him to show us His way apart from those poor choices. 

I am by no means perfect, and I don’t have everything figured out. God knows that, and I would never claim to be the girl who has it all together. Really, I am a broken soul in desperate need of my Savior everyday at every moment. I fail Him daily. I make poor choices. I hurt people. I don’t always have the best attitude. I can be snotty and plain out rude. I don’t always love my spouse like I should. I don’t always give my kids my best. And there are times when I try to put God’s stamp of approval on things I have done so that I can feel better. I confess. But that doesn’t mean it’s right. It doesn’t mean it’s ok. I cling to Jesus everyday because I know if I don’t, I will slip right back into the pit He rescued me from. And it’s a dark pit that I don’t ever want to return to. 

Friends, this post isn’t meant to be judgmental or cause you to have a pound of guilt strapped around your neck. And isn’t meant to make you feel bad about yourself. This post is as much for me as well. My prayer is that this post will cause all of us to take a good hard look at our life choices before we try to put God’s stamp of approval on them. And if they don’t line up with His Word, I pray that we wouldn’t try to force His stamp of approval on them. I pray that we would seek His way above our own way, even if it isn’t the easiest or most comfortable. I pray that we would rest in His grace, love, and mercy, and trust Him to always lead us in the right way. 

“But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” (Matthew 7:14)

Grace & Peace, Jac

He’s The Remedy


I am going to start this post off by getting the ugliness out of the way. I didn’t sleep very well last night, at all. I was having some pains that were making it difficult to get comfortable. At 1:30 am my eyes popped open, and I wrestled with myself to go back to sleep. There was no way I was going to get up and do anything at that time of the night (I mean, those days are long gone). I finally got myself back to sleep only to have my eyes pop open again at 3:40 am. Ugh. This time it was a combination of needing to go to the bathroom and Alaska (our husky mix pup…..she is almost 7 months old, so get a picture of Godzilla in your mind) whining at my feet. I got out of bed and headed straight to the bathroom. I thought I would figure out Alaska’s problem after I dealt with mine. Alaska surprised me as I came out of the bathroom. She was sick. Again, picture Godzilla being sick. At 3:40 am, this dog had to get to sick. Really? I mean, doesn’t she know people sleep at that time of the day? So, half awake I proceeded to clean up her mess, only to discover this wasn’t the first time she had been sick while I was getting my beauty rest. Seriously?!? After I got everything cleaned up, Alaska and I headed back to bed. My alarm woke both of us up at 6:30 am, and we started this cycle all over again. Alaska, this time, was escorted outside so that she could be sick to her heart’s content without having to worry about having to clean it up. (Yes, I do have a heart and I love my dog dearly. Don’t start thinking I am all Cruella Deville over here.) Let’s just say the spring in my step this morning hasn’t been very “springy.” More like a zombie walk where one foot just gets dragged along for the journey. 

It was finally time to take the kiddos to school. Austin, Kirstin, Princess (the Chihuahua), and myself loaded up in the car and headed to school. I felt like it was a David Crowder Band kind of morning, so I hooked up my iPhone and played a bit of the Remedy album and a bit of the Church Music album for our morning commute. God has such a way of speaking (or singing) into our lives at exactly the right moment and with exactly the right words. We tend to miss it at times, but this morning I heard Him loud and clear. As the music played my attention was perked when the song “Remedy” played (from the Remedy album). 

He is the one Who has saved us
He is the one Who forgave us

He is the one who has come 
And is coming again
He’s the remedy

Oh, I can’t comprehend
I can’t take it all in
Never understand
Such perfect love come
For the broken and beat
For the wounded and weak
Oh, come fall at His feet
He’s the remedy
He’s the remedy

 

I began thinking on how the worst of days cannot compare to the saving grace and saving power of Jesus. He is the remedy for it all. He comes in like the knight in shining armor and makes everything right. Not even a lack of sleep stands a chance against Him. 

Then, my attention was drawn again to the song “Shadows” (Church Music album), as I heard these words:

Life is full of light and shadow 
O the joy and O the sorrow 
O the sorrow 

And yet will He bring 
Dark to light 
And yet will He bring 
Day from night 

When shadows fall on us 
We will not fear 
We will remember 

When darkness falls on us 
We will not fear 
We will remember 

When all seems lost 
When we’re thrown and we’re tossed 
We remember the cost 
We rest in Him 
Shadow of the cross

 

Again, God was reminding me that He has me. Zombie walk and all. He has me in His hands, and He’s not letting me go. No matter if I am plagued with a lack of sleep, unexplained secondary infertility, not feeling good, and whatever other situation and circumstance I can find myself in, He has me. 

I can rest in the shadow of the cross, knowing that Jesus Christ is the remedy for it all. He makes all things new. ” See, I am making all things new.” (Revelation 21:5) He makes wrongs right. He turns darkness into light. He holds me safe in His arms despite the chaos that may surround me. He brings joy where there is pain and sorrow. He brings hope when it seems all hope is lost. He brings love where there seems to be none. He brings grace where there is shame. He is the remedy. There is nothing too great for Him. 

Come fall at His feet, He’s the remedy. He’s the remedy. 

Listen to Remedy here:http://youtu.be/4DPdWn7m3I0

Listen to Shadows here:http://youtu.be/7TF35CmGB4k

Weaknesses Are the Key


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As I was doing my morning study of Gideon today it was hard for me to hang on to layers that God was peeling away from me. This study has been causing me to come face-to-face with things about myself that either I have tried desperately not to see, or I have just been so out of touch with my Christian walk lately that I couldn’t see them. Either way, God is doing a work on me as I mentioned in my previous post. It’s a hard work to go through, but at the same time it is a sweet season.

Isn’t that how God is though? He loves us enough to take us as we are, but He will never leave us as we were first were. This is true for every season of our life that we find ourself in as well. Who you were when Christ first drew you to Himself is not who you were a year after that, or even 3 months from that. Who you are today is not the same person you were yesterday or last year. God is continually doing a good work within us. We just fail to recognize that at times. And this is the truth that God brought to my attention today.

You see, I have been so focused on my weaknesses in my life that I forgot all about God’s goodness. Oh sure, I had the head knowledge of His goodness, but lately my heart has had trouble acknowledging His goodness. So this morning as I was faced with the statement from Priscilla Shirer, “Our weakness is the key to unlocking the favor of God in our lives,” and then left to ponder the question, “What is your 300” (reference the number of men Gideon had in his army to face the Midianites), I was broken to the core. God got through to me, and I couldn’t hold onto the layers He was desperately wanting to peel away from me. I had to acknowledge that it is through my weaknesses that HE is made strong. His grace IS sufficient for me. My weaknesses are not necessarily a bad thing, as I have been viewing them. They are the very thing that drives me to HIM. Without weaknesses, how could God’s power be revealed through us?

I thought I would share some of my “300” with you. Not as a way to boast or as a way to get you to feel sorry for me, but as a way to be transparent with you and show you that I struggle too. Also, by sharing my “300” I hope it encourages you to be honest with yourself and face your own “300,” but not in a negative way. Face them with the thought that these things are what is going to bring about God’s favor in your life.

My “300”:
1. Secondary Infertility
2. Insecurity
3. My Past
4. Finances
5. Being a good Wife
6. Being a good Mother
7. Being successful in my business

These are all areas that I struggle with. Not necessarily in the fact that I think I am awful in some of the areas, but I do have my doubts that creep in from time to time. There are times in these areas where I go into panic mode and lose sight of God’s goodness, and I try to take full control. BUT GOD. Today He has reminded me that as long as I try to control everything, His power cannot be revealed.

Friends, God will take the “300” in your life, in my life, and use it to bring about some of the greatest blessings. We cannot even begin to truly comprehend His complete goodness, but we can start to acknowledge it. We can let go of our weaknesses and stop trying to do everything ourselves, and just give it over to Him. I am convinced that if we want to see true victory in our lives, if we want to see God’s power displayed in our lives, then our weaknesses are the key to do that.

Grace & Peace, Jaclyn

Sweet Season


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Do you ever feel like God is doing something in you, but you just can’t quite put your finger on it? That is how I am feeling lately. I can sense God doing something, working within me. But if you were to ask me to explain it, I couldn’t put into words adequately.

I started Priscilla Shirer’s study Gideon a couple of weeks ago, and God has been using it to speak right to my heart. I started out thinking I was only going to prepare to lead this study and that God was going to use it to touch other women’s hearts. But God. Oh, those two simple words. How they change everything. God has been peeling back the layers of my heart with every lesson. He is doing a work within me right now, & it is a much needed work friends.

I will be honest and share with you that my walk hasn’t been as close as it should be, but He is changing that. He is bringing me back to Him. He is revealing to me & reminding me of His great purpose. He is reminding me of His calling on my life. And it is oh so sweet. I cannot wait to share with you along the way friends. This season of my life is one where my Almighty Father is drawing me into himself & allowing me to taste yet again that He is good. He is showing me that I am not much different than the insecure fearful Gideon, whom God chose to use to do great things. This is a sweet season.

Taste & see that The Lord is good. ~Psalm 34:8

Get Off the Road of Blame


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Oh how hard and treacherous the road of blame is. It’s not a smooth road. Instead it is a road of rough terrain, pot holes, and twists and turns that catch you off guard. It is not a road that can be traveled easily, despite the appearance that you can take it with ease. It doesn’t matter if you have 4-wheel drive. This road deceives you into thinking that you can speed down this road and walk away without any scratches or injury.

Did you catch that one key word? DECEIVES. Yep, the road of blame is deception at its best. And its a road that deceives a lot of us, even those of us who call ourselves Christians. Yep, I am going there. No one is immune to the charm of this road, and we have all fallen victim to its deception at one time or another.

I have seen evidence of this a lot lately in light of the horrific events of this week. I am not going to touch on the specifics of what happened in Boston. We all know what happened. And no one is downplaying or overlooking the huge impact that it has had, and the big tragedy that it is. My heart breaks for the families that have been affected by this tragedy, including the families of the two young men who carried out this tragedy.

What I want to touch on is the onslaught of negative, hateful, and uncalled for posts that I am seeing all over social media. It’s a huge flood of negativity that is doing nothing for the negativity and evil that has already been unleashed. It breaks my heart to see some of the comments people are making, even fellow believers. (Prepare yourself, for I might offend you. And I am ok with that. You may unfriend me, unsubscribe, or hide me. I’m cool with that.)

This tragedy is NOT the President’s fault. It is NOT the government’s fault. It is NOT the fault of gun laws. Seriously people, stop pointing the blame on everybody and anybody and anything that you disagree with. Enough is enough. These two young men chose the path that they chose because of THEIR OWN choices. They carried out these heinous acts because of THEIR choice. The President did not whisper in their ears. The government didn’t hand over the means. The gun laws didn’t pave the way for them.

Would you think that a parent set their child up for getting pregnant at the age of 16? Would you blame the alcohol age limit law for the reason why teenagers drink and drive? Or maybe if we made stealing and shoplifting legal, we wouldn’t have thieves? That would be ridiculous.

You may not have voted for our current President, but still he is YOUR president. You may not agree with everything the government does, but it is still YOUR government. Instead of posting condescending, degrading, negative, and hateful posts all over your social media outlets why not start praying for YOUR president and government? Why not pray for the families who have been affected? Why not pray for YOUR country?

Enough is enough peeps. There is enough negativity. Start pouring out positivity. Start lifting up and stop tearing down. Start encouraging and stop discouraging. Start loving and stop hating. Start being the change you want to see in the world, and stop adding to the chaos.

Get off the road of blame!

“I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people— for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior.”  1 Timothy 2:1-3, NIV

I Have A Dream


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Today is Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, as many of us know. It got me thinking on these famous words from Martin Luther King Jr., “I have a dream.” Read that again, “I have a dream.” MLK didn’t just have any dream. His dream wasn’t to one day own a BMW, or to one day become the most famous person on earth. His dream wasn’t to open an ice cream shop with over 100 different flavors, or to one day sell men’s clothing. He didn’t even dream of becoming a famous rockstar. No, MLK’s dream was much bigger than any of those dreams. His dream was for prejudice and racism to exist no more. His dream was for his children to experience a world where everyone of all races could interact freely and openly. His dream was a BIG dream.

All of these got me to thinking. Do I dream BIG? I mean, really BIG? Are my dreams of just ice cream shops and fancy cars, or do my dreams carry the potential to make a difference in this world? Will my dreams lift others up or only build myself up? Say these words again, “I have a dream.” Say them though for yourself, not as if you are hearing MLK speak them. What kind of weight do they carry for you? Do they make you stop and evaluate your dreams? Do they make you excited for the fire in your gut to make a difference?

Did you know that God has BIG dreams for you? Jeremiah 29:11 speaks it so clearly, ” ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Did you catch that? (I know I am full of questions today.) God has a wonderful future planned for you! He has BIG dreams for you! And no, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you will have everything in the world you ever wanted, but it does mean that He wants to lavish you with His love. He wants to pour out his blessings upon you. He wants share his goodness with you. Those are BIG dreams my friend. Those are the dreams laid out for you.

So, my challenge to you today is to dream BIG. Embrace God’s BIG dreams for you. Share your dreams. Encourage others to dream BIG. Dreaming BIG is not something just for people like MLK. Dreaming BIG is for you and me as well.

Grace & Peace, Jaclyn

New|Year|New|Things


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Here we are. New Year’s Eve 2012. For some of us 2012 was fantastic. New job. Promotions. New home. New car. New relationships. New family members. New faith. Love. Health. Happiness. For others of us 2012 was difficult and heartbreaking. Loss of job. Loss of relationships. Loss of family members. Loss of faith. Loneliness. Depleting health. Sadness.

Whatever 2012 held for you, whether it was full of joy or full of sadness, it is curtains closing time on 2012. The sun is setting on 2012, and tomorrow the sun will rise on 2013. A new year. A new opportunity. A year that will bring many changes. A year that will bring new things for all of us. So, I pray that we not close out 2012 feeling discouraged. Feeling discouraged that if 2012 was a great year that 2013 could be the year that everything falls apart. Feeling discouraged that 2012 was a more than difficult year and that 2013 will only hold the same. No! I want us to leave 2012 and enter into 2013 full of optimism & hope. Full of life & wonder. Full of excitement.

My friends, 2013 is going to be our year! It’s going to be awesome! It’s going to be powerful! It’s going to be full of goodness! So hold on to your hats, because 2013 is going to be full of life, and it’s going to be AMAZING!

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23, NIV

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19, NIV

Grace & Peace,

Jaclyn

Still|Praying|For A|Miracle


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Here it is again. Yet another month of disappointment when it comes to the journey of trying for our “child of promise.” I try not to let it get the best of me. I try not to be bothered. I try not to get down about and get all negative. But somehow no matter how hard I try, I can’t help but feel defeated again. Every month of dream not coming true is another month of feeling knocked down. I know God has wonderful plans for me. I know He loves me and cares for me like no one else could ever possibly do. I know that He only wants the best for me, and that He doesn’t wish any harm upon me. Yes, I get all that. It’s not that I don’t know that or realize that. It’s not that I need to be reminded of His great love for me. It’s just the reality of human nature. No, I’m not copping out. I am not making excuses. I am just being real with you. I am being honest. God knows how I feel. He knows my hurts. He knows my desires. He knows everything about me. And yet, He still loves me despite myself. So, I think it’s ok for me to be honest about this.

This is one of the most difficult roads I have traveled. It is a personal road that I never expected to walk. I never thought that I would ever have to face the reality that fertility would not be an easy route for me. I mean I did get pregnant before. I have a beautiful full of life daughter to prove that. So, no infertility is not something that I thought would ever be part of my journey. But yet it is. Yet I find myself walking this road that I thought only happened to other people. Not me. Selfish thinking? Maybe. But it is the truth. Infertility isn’t suppose to be something that happens to people who have already conceived before. But oh, it does. It happens more than we realize. It’s not that I am not thankful for my precious daughter. It’s not that I don’t love her any less. It isn’t about thinking that she isn’t enough for me. I have a deep desire to be a mother again. I want to have a child with my husband. I want to share that bond with him, I want to share in the joy of pregnancy and birth with him. I want to feel a small miracle growing within my womb, and experience the joy of hearing his/her heartbeat. And the joy of feeling being kicked at all hours of the day and night by my precious gift. Once you have this desire, it doesn’t just go away. It’s not like wanting a new car or a new purse, or those new shoes. It is much deeper. And the deeper the desire, the harder it is to shake it.

Yes, I still pray and hope and believe for our child of promise. Yes, I still have faith. Yes, I still believe that God can do what seems impossible. But if I am going to be honest with God, myself, and you I have to admit that this road is difficult. I have to admit that sometimes I want to scream and yell, “I don’t want this road!” I have to be willing to fall flat on my face at the feet of Jesus and tell Him that I don’t understand. Tell Him that I am hurting. And then just let Him hold me as I do nothing but cry from the depths of my soul. I have to be willing to trust to Him, even when I find it hard to do so.

Lord, I will continue to look to you & your strength. I will continue to seek your face. (Psalm 105:4 for reference).

Opening the Bottle and Sharing My Story…..


This is not an easy blog post for me, but it is one that I feel God is leading me to share with you guys. Believe me when I say that it has got to be God doing the nudging on this, because I am a “bottler.” Yep, I tend to “bottle” things. I don’t like to share really personal things, and I have a tendency to respond with, “nothing” when asked, “what’s wrong?”, even though my face cannot hide that something is bothering me. But alas, here I am about to open the bottle and share something really personal. Not because I want to have everyone know my business, but because I feel that God is wanting me to share my story so that it might help someone else. So bear with me if this post isn’t all “rainbows & butterflies”, and if I come across a bit spastic. It’s about to get real peeps.

April 10, 2010 was one of the happiest days of my life. The sun was shining. The skies were crystal blue. And I was about to marry the man of my dreams. Oh yes, to say I was overjoyed on that day is an understatement. Our family & friends all gathered to watch as we said our vows and committed our lives to one another. As I looked into my husband’s eyes I not only felt the love he had for me, but I knew it. I knew this man loved me with everything within him. I was totally smitten with him (and still am). The day after our wedding we headed off to spend a week in Savannah, GA. (If you have never been there before, I highly recommend you go at least once. It is a beautiful & magical place.) We had so much fun eating, touring, relaxing, and eating some more during that week. We also began discussing in more detail what we wanted as a married couple. And of course kids was one of our topics of discussion.

We already had three kids. He had two boys from a previous marriage, and I had a daughter from a previous marriage. But we knew that we wanted to have a child together. So, we thought that since we already had three kids there would be no sense in putting it off. We decided to go ahead and begin pursuing having a child together.

“This won’t be hard,” I thought to myself. We will have a beautiful baby in no time! Well, months passed and still no baby. I didn’t worry too much to begin with, as it did take me a year to get pregnant with my daughter. Then, a few more months passed. By this time, I was beginning to panic a bit. I shared my concern with my husband, who of course told me not to worry and that it would happen. I decided to at least consult with my doctor just to make sure. She told me that she saw no reason that we shouldn’t get pregnant, since I had one successful pregnancy (a had a miscarriage a year after giving birth to my daughter) and my husband had fathered two children already. She told me to give it to the following spring, and if I still wasn’t pregnant to come back. Well, spring rolled around and still no baby. I went back to my doctor, who then suggested having some tests run. “Here we go,” I thought. “Let the science experiment begin.” She also suggested that I begin charting and using ovulation predicting kits (OPKs). I began charting, temping, and using OPKs.

The first test was hysterosalpingogram (HSG). For those of you who do not know what this is, it is where you have blue dye released into your uterus to see whether or not you have blocked fallopian tubes. I was a bit nervous over this, as I didn’t really know what to expect. During the test, my blood pressure actually dropped a bit (I am guessing due to my nerves) but the nurses instructed me that was normal, and they helped me to balance out. I had cramps afterward, but no major side effects. My doctor came to talk with me after the procedure, and she informed me that everything looked good. I was relieved. She then explained that some women become pregnant after these procedures, as it actually flushes the tubes and uterus a bit. That got me a bit hopeful.

The second test was having my husband tested. His test came back normal, so nothing to sweat on his end. Ok, more hope! Then, a few more months went by and still not baby. By this time I was asking my doctor to test my hormones or anything else that could be tested. I wanted answers! She referred me to an RE.

The RE tested my progesterone levels, which came back normal. The RE discussed the next steps to take and all the possible outcomes of it all, but by this time it was appointment time. (My husband is a United Methodist Pastor, so we can be moved at appointment time). We got the news that we would be moving. So, I contacted my RE and explained that I could no longer continue with my appointments due to us moving, as well as it was getting to be super expensive.

I was losing hope at this time. Yes, I still prayed. Yes, I still cried out to God asking for our little blessing. Yes, I still believed that He was a God of miracles. But let me tell you, when you are walking through a very dark valley, it becomes very difficult to be a ray of sunshine. Anybody relate? My husband still was encouraging me and trying to be supportive and positive. He kept telling me, “We will have our child of promise, just like Abraham & Sarah.” I know he was being supportive, but when he said that all I could think was, “Dear God, please don’t wait until I am 90 years old and my husband is in 100’s before you bless us with our child of promise.” Just being real here folks. I kept picturing Sarah in her old age, and thinking that I didn’t want to be old when I finally got pregnant!

I have heard, “Oh it will happen”and “You already had one child, so you know you can get pregnant again.” Although these come from good motives and intentions (and sweet people), they cut like a knife when IT ISN”T HAPPENING for you. As you watch as your friends and complete strangers announce their pregnancies and post pictures all over Facebook, while you sit and wait and wait and wait and wait. All the while trying to cling to a God who you know is forever faithful, but you can’t understand why He is allowing you to go through this.

You cry out to Him daily asking Him, “Why?” You tell Him that you are mad at Him, and that you know He has a great and wonderful plan for you, but the life of you, you just can’t see it at the moment. You tell Him that you don’t want to be bitter and resentful, and you want to be genuinely happy for the ones who ARE getting pregnant, but you are just finding it difficult to do. You tell Him you just want to scream at Him. You find yourself praying to Him, not really sure if He hears your prayers any more. You question if this is a punishment for past sins. And the list goes on and on.

I have no idea why God is allowing this valley in my life. I have no way of knowing if I will ever have the joy of being pregnant again. Maybe God is leading us in the direction of adoption. I can’t answer that right now. But what I can know for sure, is that with all my doubts, tantrums, fits, insecurities, and questions, my God IS forever faithful. He has not left my side even though I have felt as if He has at times. When I cry, He cries. When I hurt, He hurts. And right now, I feel Him leading me to share my story. There are more women like me out there. Women struggling with infertility in way or another. Whether it is first time infertility, unexplained secondary infertility (my case), or some other form of infertility the hurt is just the same. The struggle is just the same. If you are one of these women, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And God has not abandoned you. I pray for you fellow sisters, and I hope that you won’t be afraid to share your story when the time is right.

I am still praying and believing for our child of promise (or children of promise). We even have names for them, Ada Willow Turner and Liam Eli Turner. Whether God blesses us with them through pregnancy or adoption, one day I will finally hold them in my arms.

Never give up beloveds. Never lose hope. Your Savior has you, cares for you, and loves you more than you can ever imagine.

“Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.” Psalm 105:4 Image

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