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Archive for the category “Miracles”

God Is Close to the Brokenhearted


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This morning as I was driving in my car I had Jesus Culture playing. I usually have some worship album playing in the morning to set the tone for the day. And Jesus Culture is one of my favorite worship bands. The song playing as I drove was “Heaven is Here,” and the words seemed to just be a bit louder this morning. They seemed to stick a bit more than any of the other times I have listened to this song.

Here are the lyrics:

We won’t stop crying out to Him
Cause He hears us everytime
Yeah He hears us everytime

We won’t stop pouring out our love to Him
Cause He loves us everytime
Yeah He loves us everytime

Wake up, the normal life
You can do what ever You want to
Shake up eternal signs
Because we want you

We won’t stop going out to Him
Cause He meets us everytime
Yeah He meets us everytime

We won’t stop living only for Him
Cause He’s faithful everytime
Yeah He’s faithful everytime

Wake up, the normal life
You can do what ever You want to
Shake up eternal signs
Because we want you

Wake up, the normal life
You can do what ever You want to God
Shake up eternal signs

Cause heaven is hear now
He’s all around us
Heaven is Jesus
It’s the moment we meet

Wake up, the normal life
You can do what ever You want to
Shake up eternal signs
Because we want you 

These words really were echoing in my head, “We won’t stop crying out to Him cause He hears us every time…We won’t stop pouring out our love for Him, cause He loves us every time…We won’t stop going out to Him, cause He meets us every time…We won’t stop living only for Him, cause He’s faithful every time.”

This morning my heart was breaking, as it is another month of not being pregnant (if you haven’t followed my journey up till now, check out my past posts in regards to infertility and my faith). Another month of feeling defeated and crushed. Another month of feeling as if the enemy was doing a victory dance on top of my head and laughing the whole time, as I sobbed on the inside and then began sobbing on the outside.

BUT GOD. God knew all of this even before I woke this morning. He knew how my heart would break. He knew the defeat I would feel. He knew the lies the enemy would feed me. And He knew He would be there for me no matter how crushed I was. And He chose to speak to me through a song. He chose to remind me of His faithfulness, His love, His strength, and His hope. He wrapped His arms around me as my mind began whirling in a hundred different directions. As the questions began coming like a freight train. As insecurity and doubt began creeping in. As the enemy began throwing his fiery darts at me, my God became my shield and my fortress and my comfort. As He ALWAYS is.

Once the song ended and another song began to play, I felt the Holy Spirit whisper to me, “Choose joy.” I sat in my car and began saying that to myself…”Choose joy, Jaclyn. Choose joy.” I firmly believe that one of the enemy’s biggest weapons against us is our own feelings. He was trying his best to get me to sink into a dark place this morning, and just like the faithful Father that He is, God showed up and began speaking life into me.

Am I still brokenhearted that I have no celebratory news of a little Turner this month? Yes, but I know that my God “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3) and “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). So I can keep crying out to Him, because I know He DOES hear me every time. I can continue pouring out my love for Him, because He DOES love me every time. I can go out to Him, because He WILL meet me every time. And I can continue living only for Him, because He is FOREVER faithful. The enemy is a liar. My God is my everything, and I will praise Him despite my feelings. I will praise Him even if I have questions. I will praise Him simply because He is The Great I Am, and I know He loves me more than I can ever fully understand.

My friend, I have no idea what you may be experiencing or what lies the enemy might be telling you, but what I do know that God will never fail you. He will always be there for you, and He will always be your shield. Drive into Him even if you don’t understand. Drive into Him even if you can’t feel Him. Drive into Him even if you can’t see Him. He is there. I promise you that.

One of Those Days


Today is one of those days where I would love to hide away on a deserted island with absolutely nothing “baby” around. Yes, it’s another month where Aunt Flow arrives instead of a “Big Fat Positive.” I was really hoping for a Thanksgiving announcement, but that just won’t be happening. I really have no eloquent words or thought provoking paragraphs to write down. All I have is raw emotion and an admittance of wanting to pitch a temper tantrum that would make a two year old in the midst of “the terrible two’s” look pretty angelic. Will it solve anything? No. Will it make me feel better? Probably not. But that’s where I’m at. For the moment.

I am trying to remind myself of the message I preached this past Sunday. I spoke on the story of Hannah and how there is grace in the struggle, in the sorrow, and in His sovereignty. To be honest, though it’s hard to see it at the moment. Do I know it to be true? Yes. But can I see it right now? No. All I can think on is how I desire to have a child with my husband and nothing is happening. Nothing. And my mind begins to go into panic mode thinking of how I am about to be surrounded by pregnant family members during the holidays, and I want to scream. Can I eat my dinner in a closet somewhere? Oh, and let’s not forget that the media had to share that Kelly Clarkson is pregnant.

Yes, I know that I sound like a little kid pitching a fit. But this is real. This is something I never thought I would have to deal with personally. This is one of the most draining and difficult things I have ever dealt with, and well as I put it earlier today, it sucks. As I type this I want to breakdown. The depths of my soul cry out for Jesus because I don’t know what to do. He is the only place that makes sense even though I feel like He isn’t making any sense. I know deep down that He makes perfect sense despite my feelings. So into Him I will continue to press.

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Faith in the Raw


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T
his quote sums it up almost perfectly for me. No matter how many times I have told myself, “I will just give up. This is too hard,” I can’t throw in the towel. My desire to have a baby with my husband isn’t a desire like walking into Kohl’s and seeing that beautiful Vera Wang handbag that I would love to have. It’s a desire that goes much deeper, and one that can’t fully be expressed in words. So, here I am. Another month. Another cycle. Part of me wants to throw in the towel and just say, “Screw it!” The other part of me says, “You can’t give up. You want this child. Have faith.” 

Faith. You would think that as a Pastor’s Wife and Christian I wouldn’t struggle with faith, right? Wrong. I struggle with having faith just like anyone else struggles with it. There are times when I have incredible faith, and then there are times when it is difficult to even have the faith the size of a mustard seed. Today is one of those days. It’s been over 3 years and nothing has changed. I have no answers as to why my body isn’t conceiving our desired child. No magic tricks to share that got us success. No babies to even speak of. Just the same charted cycle month after month after month. The same “negative” pregnancy tests. The same ovulation predictor kits letting me know that there is nothing wrong in that department. Just the same. 

This morning I read from Hebrews 11, and verse 11 struck me. 

“Because of faith also Sarah herself received physical power to conceive a child, even when she was long past the age for it, because she considered [God] Who had given her the promise to be reliable and trustworthy and true to His word.” Hebrews 11:11, Amplified Bible

 

It is sort of obvious as to why this verse would stick out to me, right? I know. And then again this verse also had me telling God, “Please Lord, please don’t let me have to wait till I am as old as Sarah before I receive my child of promise.” Seriously, this is a concern of mine. I have shared it on numerous occasions with my husband. I want that “physical power” that Sarah received. I want her faith. But wait, didn’t she laugh first? Didn’t she think it to be a joke? Yes, she did. So, then where was her faith? Maybe it was in the fact that in the back of her mind she continued to cling to her desire, and when God shared that she and Abraham would have their child of promise she clung even tighter to that desire and hope. She may have been laughing on the outside, but maybe in the depths of her soul she was shouting, “Yes, Lord! Yes! I believe it! I receive it!” Maybe. Just maybe. 

I can share from my own experience that even though my husband and I have three children between us, the desire to have a child together is strong. Our desire to have this precious child doesn’t mean that we don’t love the three children we have now. Our child of promise is wanted. It is already loved. It is prayed for. My soul yearns for this precious child. My heart longs for Ada and/or Liam (maybe the Lord will choose to bless us with just one, or maybe He will bless us with both). 

So even though part of me is screaming, “Screw this! I am done! I have had enough of this emotional roller coaster. I am sick of the same crap every month. I am tired of seeing pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, gender reveals, and the likes plastered all over my social networks, all while I am over hearing dying inside. I have had enough of it!,” I can’t ignore the other part of me. The other part that whispers, “Don’t give up Jaclyn. It’s not a lost cause. Your pain will turn into joy soon.” And it might sound weird and crazy to some of you, but even though there are times when I am so mad at God and want to scream at Him over this pain, He is where I find the greatest comfort. I can do nothing apart from Him. I am afraid of the dark pit I might find myself in if I let go of Him for even one second. So I cling tighter to Him. I rest in Him. I bury my sobbing heart in Him. And I allow Him to hold me while I break into a million pieces. And He lets me. There is no other place that makes sense for me to be than in His arms. It is the only place that makes sense. 

I will continue to press on in faith even on the days where my faith isn’t even the size of a mustard seed. Why? Because I know my God is greater than any pain I might have. He is bigger than any doubt. He is more powerful than any disappointment and discouragement I might face. He is my God who loves and adores me no matter what. He is making a way even if I can’t see it. And He is forever faithful. The enemy will not have the victory because I am the precious daughter of the Most High God, and in Him is where I find my strength, hope, and faith. 

The Taboo Subject of Infertility


This week I have found myself surrounded by baby announcements, pregnancy announcements, new births, baby birthday pictures, and other “baby” things. Yes, I tend to notice these sorts of things more so than probably a few of you. You see when you struggle with infertility, whether it be first time infertility or secondary infertility, you notice everything “baby.” With all of that being said, it has prompted me to write this blog post. I have felt like sharing this for a little while, but have always hesitated and held back. So, today you get it in all of its glory (or lack thereof).

For those who do not know what it is like to struggle with infertility, it can prove to be very difficult when trying to offer comfort or help to someone who is struggling with it. And although the intentions may be meant in a very positive way, sometimes words spoken can actually do more harm than good. So, here are some things to consider when you are trying to comfort or help someone who is struggling with infertility:

1. Do not say, “It’s not the right time yet.” Ummm, you basically just told this woman who has been trying to conceive a child for who knows how long that she got the timing all wrong. And so this woman is now going to think about the 16 year old cheerleader at the local high school who just found out she is pregnant, and question why it was the “right” time for the teenager but not for her. This statement offers no help or comfort at all.

2. Do not say, “God knows what’s best.” I know you mean well, and I know that God knows what is best for His children, but making this statement to a woman struggling with infertility sends the message that maybe God doesn’t think she will make a good Mom. I know, you are probably thinking that is crazy, but it’s true. That is exactly where her mind will go. She will begin questioning why God is “punishing” her instead of taking your words as an encouragement.

3. “You can have my kid(s) anytime.” A woman struggling with infertility does not find this humorous. It’s not funny, no matter how much you try to laugh about it. A woman struggling with infertility would gladly take all the children in the world, but making these kind of statements comes across as a slap in the face more than a funny joke.

4. Do not say “Just relax. It will happen.” I’m sorry, but for the past who knows how long this woman has done everything she can think of trying to conceive. When all you want is to get pregnant and have that precious bundle of joy of your own, it kind of consumes you. Relaxing is meant for a vacation, not as advice to a woman struggling with infertility.

5. “You already have a child (children), why would you want another one? Just be happy with what you have.” Oh, our children mean the world to us. It has nothing to do with not being happy with what we have. We have a desire to be pregnant again, to feel that sweet precious life growing within our womb again, and to add to our family. We want to be “fruitful and multiply.” For those of us who struggle with secondary infertility, we still love the children we have. Please do not treat our desire as something negative.

And lastly, here are some things to consider when dealing with a woman struggling with infertility:

1. She is hurting deeper than you realize. She may smile at you. She may go to the movies and laugh at your jokes, but deep down she is hurting. Infertility is a pain that goes way deeper than surface level. So when a woman who struggles with infertility tells you she is “fine,” know that deep down she is not fine. She just doesn’t want you to know that.

2. She truly wants to be happy for you. For those of you who are becoming first-time parents, or expecting another addition to your family, a woman struggling with infertility genuinely wants to be happy for you. It is just hard. Seeing or hearing about your pregnancy announcements, pregnancy updates, baby pictures, and other things of that nature is hard for her. It is a reminder of what she so desperately desires for herself, yet has not yet obtained it for whatever reason. So, don’t take offense if she kindly declines from your baby shower, baby’s birthday party, or ends up hiding your posts from her Facebook newsfeed. It just hurts too much at the time.

3. Women who struggle with infertility are everywhere. Infertility is kind of a taboo subject that doesn’t get talked about a lot. But there are more women and couples struggling with infertility than you realize. They are in your neighborhood, at your job, in your church, in your community, and even in your family.

Women and couples struggling with infertility need your love, understanding, and prayers. If you don’t understand what they are going through, simply say that and pray for them. If you don’t know what to say, share that in a nice way and pray for them. Love on them without being awkward.

I hope this post helps someone, whether you are a fellow woman struggling with infertility or someone who knows someone who is. Please feel free to reach out to me if you struggle with infertility, or if you just want to understand a bit more. I welcome questions, tears, vents, and comments. Praying for my fellow women who long for their child of promise.

Jaclyn

Keeping the Faith


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This verse of scripture is one that might seem a bit odd for my post today, seeing as though I am not posting in celebration to an announcement I have been longing over three years to announce. I don’t have that announcement yet. No clever “we’re having a baby” announcement. No cute picture of a tiny pair of TOMS in the middle of my feet and my husband’s feet. No picture of an ultrasound showing the beautiful picture of a miracle made reality. None of that.

No, this post is one of sharing my struggle of a desire still being unfulfilled. A heart left empty yet again. A longing still aching to be made reality. Another month of a heart breaking into a million tiny pieces that nothing and no one can put back together. Not even all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could fix this. It is a pain so deep and so real that it can’t be understood by anyone who has never experienced it. And still a pain that I believe can only truly be understood not only by those who have experienced it, but also by only a woman. I don’t think men can even fully understand the full extent of a heart broken by this desire to have a child.

So, why this verse of scripture then? Why would I choose a verse that is used in celebration? I used it partly because I am told over and over again to keep believing. Keep having faith that my child of promise will come. Keep clinging to my Heavenly Father and trust in Him, that He hears my prayers and is answering them in His time. And the other part is because when this child of promise is made a reality, this will be the verse of scripture painted above his/her crib. It will be not only my reminder of a promise fulfilled, but it will be there as a blessing over my precious miracle.

Call my crazy if you want. Honestly, most days I question my own sanity in more ways that just in this. Again, some days are easier than other days. Some days I can go without shedding a tear over this, and other days it takes all I have not to burst into uncontrollable weeping much less even get out of bed.

Yes, I have a beautiful daughter that I am thankful for. She is a blessing. So, please don’t  be one of those who questions why I would want another child if I already have one. All I can tell you is that I have a longing and a desire to be a mother again. I have a longing to feel a child growing within my womb and to experience the miracle of birth with my husband. And it isn’t one that can be satisfied by anything else. It isn’t like wanting an ice cream cake, and instead choosing a cup of greek yogurt. This is much deeper.

I am told, “in God’s time,” “keep believing,” “you have to have faith,” and “don’t think negatively.” I know all of these are said with well-meaning intentions, but honestly it doesn’t do anything for my deep hurt. Do I believe God can work miracles? Absolutely. Do I have faith that God will one day bless me with my child of promise? Most days. Do I enjoy feeling down and heartbroken? No. But I am human, and I fall short more often than I would like to.

I know I am probably all over the place with this post, but that is how raw emotions are. One minute you feel this way, and the next minute without warning your emotions are on the way opposite side of the spectrum.

I have names for my children of promise: Ada Willow Turner and Liam Eli Turner. (Again, call my crazy if you want to.) I pray that Ada and Liam would grow inside my womb to be healthy, strong, warriors for the kingdom of God. I pray that God will bless me with these precious miracles soon. I pray that my body is healthy enough to carry them and support them. I pray that my broken heart would be mended by the discovery of one (if not both) growing and developing within me. I pray that my sorrow would be replaced with joy. I pray that the enemy would not steal this precious gift from me.

So, 1 Samuel 1:27 is appropriate for this post. To serve as a reminder for me to not lose hope despite how I feel, and to speak life over what appears to be without life for the moment. I must keep believing. I must stand firm in my faith. I must not let the enemy use my emotions to cloud what I know to be true. I must continue looking to the Lord and seeking His face always.

Hope for the Journey


Today is one of the days where I am finding it difficult in my infertility journey. These days come and go. Some days I am fine & don’t seem to dwell on it much. Other days I find myself consumed by it, & find it difficult to snap out of it. Today is one of those difficult days.

As friends around me announce their pregnancies, prepare for births, or discover that they are going to be parents for the first time, I am excited for them. Really, I am happy that they are experiencing this great blessing. But at the same time, I fight back my emotions of just wanting to burst into tears. It’s bittersweet for me. Those of who have experienced, or may be experiencing, this same journey I find myself on can relate. You feel torn. Happy on one side, and heartbroken on the other side.

I have no idea what God is doing here. I have no clue as to why I haven’t gotten pregnant yet, but I have to keep trusting in Him. God is my only constant in this. My only hope. My refuge. He is where I can go when I can’t even understand how I feel, much less express it. He is my comfort. He is my peace.

I pray for all of you who are walking this same journey. It’s not an easy one, & it’s not one in wish on anyone. But we have a Father who loves us with an incredible love, & as we walk this journey, He walks it with us. Not a step taken is without Him.

He is our hope friends.

Grace & Peace, Jac

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Awake My Soul


Awake my Soul by Chris Tomlin

This song has been speaking to me a lot lately. You see I was once the dry bones. I was once without life. Without hope. Without light. I was in desperate need of the Father’s love & life.

I lived my life as a teenager in total opposite of what I have been taught. I went to church. I was part of the youth group. I believed in God. But all of that wasn’t enough to make me a disciple of Jesus Christ. It wasn’t enough to just go through the motions.

I partied. I hung out with the wrong crowd. I did things I shutter at the thought of today. I had not a single care in the world. Was it that my parents didn’t love me enough? No. Was it that I didn’t know right from wrong. No. Was it that my parents didn’t care? No. It came down to one word: REBELLION. I was living a life of rebellion. Rebellion against my parents. Rebellion against everything I had been taught. And rebellion against God.

I was in a dark place. I was in a barren place. A place without life or hope. I was the dry bones in the dry valley. Did I realize that at the time? Not for one moment. It wasn’t until I became an adult, that my eyes were opened to the fact that I was a walking skeleton. I realized my desperate need for God. I needed my Savior. I needed Him to speak life into me.

The girl that was once the dry bones is only a memory to me now. I feel for her. I see her pain now. I see her emptiness. She has allowed me to see though, that there area my other people just like her. Walking skeletons without a clue of how much they are in need of the Savior’s love.

I am alive in Christ now. I am no longer the walking skeleton. The breathe of God swept over me & He spoke life into me. I get chills just thinking about how
much He loves me. And I can’t help but picture myself at His feet thanking Him as I weep for joy, for speaking life into me. He has redeemed me. He can redeem you.

I know He has called me to share His great love with others. My story has purpose for Him. My passion for health & fitness is not the only passion He has given me. I have a passion to speak into lives & share the love of Christ with as many as possible.

My friend, I pray today that you will awake to His great love for you & to your desperate need of Him. He loves you with a crazy limitless love. And He is waiting to speak life into you. May He resurrect your dry bones today.

Grace & Peace, Jaclyn

<I would love to pray for you in any way I can.

I Have A Dream


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Today is Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, as many of us know. It got me thinking on these famous words from Martin Luther King Jr., “I have a dream.” Read that again, “I have a dream.” MLK didn’t just have any dream. His dream wasn’t to one day own a BMW, or to one day become the most famous person on earth. His dream wasn’t to open an ice cream shop with over 100 different flavors, or to one day sell men’s clothing. He didn’t even dream of becoming a famous rockstar. No, MLK’s dream was much bigger than any of those dreams. His dream was for prejudice and racism to exist no more. His dream was for his children to experience a world where everyone of all races could interact freely and openly. His dream was a BIG dream.

All of these got me to thinking. Do I dream BIG? I mean, really BIG? Are my dreams of just ice cream shops and fancy cars, or do my dreams carry the potential to make a difference in this world? Will my dreams lift others up or only build myself up? Say these words again, “I have a dream.” Say them though for yourself, not as if you are hearing MLK speak them. What kind of weight do they carry for you? Do they make you stop and evaluate your dreams? Do they make you excited for the fire in your gut to make a difference?

Did you know that God has BIG dreams for you? Jeremiah 29:11 speaks it so clearly, ” ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Did you catch that? (I know I am full of questions today.) God has a wonderful future planned for you! He has BIG dreams for you! And no, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you will have everything in the world you ever wanted, but it does mean that He wants to lavish you with His love. He wants to pour out his blessings upon you. He wants share his goodness with you. Those are BIG dreams my friend. Those are the dreams laid out for you.

So, my challenge to you today is to dream BIG. Embrace God’s BIG dreams for you. Share your dreams. Encourage others to dream BIG. Dreaming BIG is not something just for people like MLK. Dreaming BIG is for you and me as well.

Grace & Peace, Jaclyn

New|Year|New|Things


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Here we are. New Year’s Eve 2012. For some of us 2012 was fantastic. New job. Promotions. New home. New car. New relationships. New family members. New faith. Love. Health. Happiness. For others of us 2012 was difficult and heartbreaking. Loss of job. Loss of relationships. Loss of family members. Loss of faith. Loneliness. Depleting health. Sadness.

Whatever 2012 held for you, whether it was full of joy or full of sadness, it is curtains closing time on 2012. The sun is setting on 2012, and tomorrow the sun will rise on 2013. A new year. A new opportunity. A year that will bring many changes. A year that will bring new things for all of us. So, I pray that we not close out 2012 feeling discouraged. Feeling discouraged that if 2012 was a great year that 2013 could be the year that everything falls apart. Feeling discouraged that 2012 was a more than difficult year and that 2013 will only hold the same. No! I want us to leave 2012 and enter into 2013 full of optimism & hope. Full of life & wonder. Full of excitement.

My friends, 2013 is going to be our year! It’s going to be awesome! It’s going to be powerful! It’s going to be full of goodness! So hold on to your hats, because 2013 is going to be full of life, and it’s going to be AMAZING!

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23, NIV

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19, NIV

Grace & Peace,

Jaclyn

Still|Praying|For A|Miracle


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Here it is again. Yet another month of disappointment when it comes to the journey of trying for our “child of promise.” I try not to let it get the best of me. I try not to be bothered. I try not to get down about and get all negative. But somehow no matter how hard I try, I can’t help but feel defeated again. Every month of dream not coming true is another month of feeling knocked down. I know God has wonderful plans for me. I know He loves me and cares for me like no one else could ever possibly do. I know that He only wants the best for me, and that He doesn’t wish any harm upon me. Yes, I get all that. It’s not that I don’t know that or realize that. It’s not that I need to be reminded of His great love for me. It’s just the reality of human nature. No, I’m not copping out. I am not making excuses. I am just being real with you. I am being honest. God knows how I feel. He knows my hurts. He knows my desires. He knows everything about me. And yet, He still loves me despite myself. So, I think it’s ok for me to be honest about this.

This is one of the most difficult roads I have traveled. It is a personal road that I never expected to walk. I never thought that I would ever have to face the reality that fertility would not be an easy route for me. I mean I did get pregnant before. I have a beautiful full of life daughter to prove that. So, no infertility is not something that I thought would ever be part of my journey. But yet it is. Yet I find myself walking this road that I thought only happened to other people. Not me. Selfish thinking? Maybe. But it is the truth. Infertility isn’t suppose to be something that happens to people who have already conceived before. But oh, it does. It happens more than we realize. It’s not that I am not thankful for my precious daughter. It’s not that I don’t love her any less. It isn’t about thinking that she isn’t enough for me. I have a deep desire to be a mother again. I want to have a child with my husband. I want to share that bond with him, I want to share in the joy of pregnancy and birth with him. I want to feel a small miracle growing within my womb, and experience the joy of hearing his/her heartbeat. And the joy of feeling being kicked at all hours of the day and night by my precious gift. Once you have this desire, it doesn’t just go away. It’s not like wanting a new car or a new purse, or those new shoes. It is much deeper. And the deeper the desire, the harder it is to shake it.

Yes, I still pray and hope and believe for our child of promise. Yes, I still have faith. Yes, I still believe that God can do what seems impossible. But if I am going to be honest with God, myself, and you I have to admit that this road is difficult. I have to admit that sometimes I want to scream and yell, “I don’t want this road!” I have to be willing to fall flat on my face at the feet of Jesus and tell Him that I don’t understand. Tell Him that I am hurting. And then just let Him hold me as I do nothing but cry from the depths of my soul. I have to be willing to trust to Him, even when I find it hard to do so.

Lord, I will continue to look to you & your strength. I will continue to seek your face. (Psalm 105:4 for reference).

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